emo elmo =((
thought my this bloggie will be left untouched for long time. never expected that i will be blogging again today.
maybe i am just too upset and emo. so many work left undone and to prepare for this sem. somehow, i'm hating my course more and more. which is really bad for me. it means there will be no motivation for me to study. and my results now are so bad already. i have to pull my GPA. i tink my dream of going an exchange during Year 3 sem 2 can forgo. fat hope for it. sighs.
just wish to complete this sem as soon as possible.
and yes, i must say out. to make myelf feel much better. i really HATE HW111. to the max. screw up so many times during the tutorial. especially during the 1 min presentation. i dont know what exactly has happened to me when i come to university. everything just seems to go wrong, especially on my vocal skills and confidence level of presenting in front of everyone. seriously i need to do something about it. and the more i think of it, i get even more pissed and upset of myself. is affecting my study now too.
i hope to do well and prove myself during my 5 min presentation. so kami-sama, please give me the strength and power to do so by then. let me impress everyone and even myself. i am praying hard for it.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
sad?
i wonder why do i always feel so sad or get all teary because of you? isn't being in a relationship should be feeling blissful? at first everything is really wonderful n happy, but i dont understand why for now, all i can feel is only sadness or pain. that kind of feeling when it happens, it will just prolong in my heart like thousands of needles poking at me, or something heavy that is pulling my heart down. My tears will just want to flow out. But for now, I have started to learn to force my tears back.
Because you dont like to see me cry. I will make myself to try not to cry. If it happens, I'll cry in silence.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
emo =((
yaa, time for me to blog againn. school's going to start again next mondayy. it's a new start of a school year. i'm BS Year 2 student by then.
somehow, i don't know why i've been feeling quite low these days. maybe because school's going to start, so my mood isn't that good. and many problems just keep coming to me. maybe there's no problems at all, just that i keep thinking there're problems. every single day, i will always feel upset or emo. no matter how i try to go out and keep myself occupy not to think about anything, but i will still feel upset about everything. my family, my boyfriend, even my friends.
at times, i really feel like just ignore everything. maybe i should just give up on everythingg. is true, why i want to make myself feel so miserable? why i keep having these kind of thoughts that i want to make everyone happy? and end up i myself feeling so upset? why do i keep feeling so low and my heart is always feeling so hurtful?
school's going to start already and it seems like my mood is still not improvingg. i cant sustain this kind of attitude and behaviour within myself. study is going to be another problem for me. if i still have to make myself feeling troubled or miserable over so many things, i'm sure my studies will be affected.
somehow, i hope that i can be a badd person or cold hearted. just ignore everything and care about myself. at least i wont feel so upset until now. yes, i'll lose all the precious people around me. i'm wondering if i should do that and does it worth it.
it seems like everything that happens around me will affect my mood so muchh. even just a minor thing i will also get so upset. even jus writing this entry can also make my heart hurts. why am i feeling so low?
i'm tired of feeling so hurt all the times.crying has become such a norm thing for me that at times, i'm thinking, exactly how much tears do i have for me to shed? why my tears will just keep flowing? will there be a time that my tears will just finish?
for now, i just want to say, if there's a day when all of you realise that why i never bother about anything anymore, please forgive me. because i think i cant take anymore. i dont meant it too but i think i reach my limit. just treat it as i dont exist.
because feeling upset and emo everyday is become very tiresome on me. even people who never do anything wrongg, i somehow also affect them. i don't know whyy.
okayy, i will try not to think about anything from now on. this's what i want to give myself for now.
today will be my last day that i'll shed my tears suddenly for out of no reasons.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
frustrated.
yeahh. ever since my 2nd sem starts, i never blogged alr until today. i am in the midst of exam periods. 2 more papers to go and i'm done for this sem. but these days, i am feeling somehow moody and frustrated. i even cried for many times, maybe too stressed upp. i deserved it for always slacking and doing last minute mugging. last sem was worst. i never really bothered to study, ended up with a very poor GPA. however, i acted no different from last sem too. i still slacked to the last minute before i started to mugg.
i dont know is it because i am somehow coopedd at home for the past few days. so i'm feeling quite restless and pissed off easily. i just dont feel happy and i'm really tired of all the mugging. and ya, maybe i am quite frustrated that i have to go to the bank with my mum to draw money out for my dad when i'll be having a paper on tues and i want to studyy. i dont mind lending my dad the money since all the while is his moneyy tt i saved upp. it'll be quite heart pain for me since i saved it since young, without eating muchh and restrain myself from buying things tt i like. however, i think he's using it for some investment which i'm quite doubtful it. somehow i feel tt he's playing investment abit too muchh. he actually took money from many of us, esp my aunt. he took quite a lump sum of money from her. intially he asked me if i want but i always dont like to do this kind of risk, so i rejected it. he said all my sisters and my aunt also got invest but i really just don want. he said i dont regret, but i never regretted because i just dont want to risk. and now, he took money from me. i cant help it but to think tt, did he lose money? so now he's trying to recover back his losses by doing it more? i really hope that what i'm thinking is not true. i dont want our lives to go back how we used to struggle during the bad crisis he was having in the past. it was so miserable and frustrating that we had to save every little bit just in order to pass a day. tt period was really the worse of my life. i never felt so terrible tt buying sth or eating a meal i had to worry so muchh. i even desperately wanted to find a gd job to work.
my dad does not have the habit of saving money for rainy days. he always like to spend what he have, just like buying so many cars and i dont even know what's his thinking of doing that. just waste money since only 2 of us are driving now. it's very straining on him since the expenses will be so high. and he always spent so muchh money. yes, i wont deny i spent alot of money on clothes. but the thing is, did he ever think tt how much i spent on a piece of clothes will not be as expensive as how much he'll be paying every month for all the car season parkings and petrol?? is not like we'll be driving those cars out every single day. actually 2 cars are more than enough. i can share with vivien. just imagine if he sold away 2 cars, the expenses will be so much reduced, at least half of our whole expenses.
and he took my sis n my money which we saved upp. if sth were to crop up, we wont have any remaining money to get us through. then the whole vicious cycle we experienced will come back again. i really dread those days i had and i dont want to go through all over againn.
sighs yeahh, i'm such a unfilial daughter right, to even have this kind of thinking. i'm a very practical and materialistic person, i wont deny that. but it was because of the past incidents i experienced that cultivates me this way. i just want to take precaution in everything. i just like to save up and i dont want to spend everything like what he does. is a very big risk.
he must know, that his business has ups and downs. he should always take note of it and be too carefree.
sighs, that's all i want to say for now. i'm tiredd. i realised tt i think alot today. my studies, my dad and jeffy.. really very tiredd to think alr. and i have papers on tues and thurs. aww.
sorry for all the rant till now. anyway nobody will see too since my blog've been so dead for so longg. so nobody will think tt i'll blogg again. tt's good too.
Monday, May 03, 2010
what a val day =((
am i very demanding to expect something more from him?
jus a stalk of rose or maybe a val day present issit too muchh?
Monday, February 15, 2010
a short and hectic holiday.
yeahh, my first semester exam was finally over and i'm having a break now. (:
hmm, although i'm having a break now, it doesnt seem much relaxing to me. there'll be many upcoming activities for me. catching up with friends, sport comm activities, overseas trips etc...
however, after a few months of studying, i'm getting exhausted. so i'm really grateful to have at least a few weeks break. haha. university life isnt as great as what i think it should be.
what's that makes me able to withstand the whole tiresome journey- is my friends that i had made in my school.
they're really great friends and i really enjoy their company. without them, i really dont know how am i going to survive through the entire 4 years. haha.
and yeahh, somehow my life now has changed. i dont really know how to say but is somehow a good change i believe.
so i just hope that everything can remain as how it is now.
to me, my past 2 years in jc wasnt really a good experience for me. i just hope that what i'm having and enjoying now will not end. otherwise, maybe better?
now is dec and a new year is going to start again. time really passes very fast. i just hope that a new year will mean a brand new and happy beginning for me again! =D
Saturday, December 05, 2009
very bad day ):):):):
i am feeling very sad and pissed with myself now ):
Tuesday, October 13, 2009